Old-school at heart

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My hands

Clutched the single brown envelope

Even tighter

As I self consciously

Hid the scribbled address

And messily drawn little hearts

Averting

The befuddled, questioning gazes of

White-haired khakhi-clad men

Wondering aloud

What a liberally dressed

Young woman

Was doing

In a high-ceiled, wooden floored

Half a decade old

Post office?

 

What none of them know

Is that

The echoes of musical staccato of typewriters

The oddly soothing smell of starch paste

And the sight of stacked yellowing paper

Is more familiar

Than the rattling hum of repetitive music

The stench of distilled spirit

And the aesthetics of EDM concerts

 

Even in this era

Of virtual communication

My fingers are more accustomed

To put pen to paper

Than type avowals of love

On a white blank screen

And my eyes are usually glued

To handmade leaves of a diary

Than the black mirrors

Of a ceaseless stream of new-age devices

 

Alas, the quintessential term was love letters

And not love emails

And if preserving a lost art

Makes me old-school at heart

Then I’m guilty as charged

 

Distance

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This growing distance

Is needed

To blur images of

Time spent in quiet togetherness

At the beach, in the wilderness

Your smiling eyes

Boring into mine

Your slow silent stride

Walks along the barren roadside

The unchanging look on your face

When you’re lost in thought

Sometimes tranquil,

Sometimes fraught with distraught

To muddle the sounds

Of those never ending banter

Followed by a familiar laughter

Stilled, only by the lull of the sea

Putting us in a quiet reverie

 

You may think

I’ve nothing better to do

But think incessantly of you

How can I stop my mind from wandering

Back to you

When you’ve grown so distant

And I’m still stuck

Where you left me

Hanging onto

This unrequited feeling

 

 

This detachment

Is needed

To let someone else

Infiltrate my mind-space

It’s the end of the chase

I’ve been conveniently replaced

Now your offhanded indifference

Seems worse than your stone cold silence

Pretence

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Painting by Helene Delmaire

Painting by Helene Delmaire

 

Let’s pretend like

We never spoke our minds

Never said those words out loud

The ones, we knew all along

But timing couldn’t be more wrong

And so let’s erase all memories of the night

A lesson learnt in hindsight

 

Let’s pretend that

Emotions had not run high

Conversations hadn’t spiralled out of control

Hadn’t become heated

That a reality check was all I needed

When the truth was far from comforting

 

Let’s pretend otherwise

To avoid stirring up any further trouble

So we’ll sweep it under the rug

Wipe our hands and mind clean

And walk away

From this pile of emotional rubble

 

Let’s feign normality

Stifle our affections

Filter our thoughts

And go on,

Living

In a state of In-between

Treating

The midnight confessions

As nothing

But a bad dream

Ghats of Varanasi

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The Ghats at Varanasi
Are a sight to behold
The shores lined
With shrines and temples
Decades old
Some dilapidated
Some newly restored,
With burning piles of firewood
Signifying
The funerary ceremony of Hindus
At this auspicious venue,
With pilgrims and tourists alike
Seated in painted wooden boats
Preparing for a ride along the ghats

The riverfront steps
Are occupied by
Awestruck travellers
Engrossed in capturing the serene beauty
And often by
Saffron-clad Sadhus
With ashen faces and long matted locks
Blowing out clouds of smoke,
The menfolk
Half-immersed in The Holy Ganges
Wash off sins with pious gaiety
While the women devotees
Carry oblation of vermilion and flowers
To pay homage to various deities
As dawn approaches
The Ghats come to life
In brightly lit alleys
Sonorous sound of bells
And scent of sandalwood incense
Fills the air
Hundreds of illuminated earthen pots
Embellished with rose petals
Ride the currents
Lighting the path to atonement

Young priests uniformly clothed
In Silk dhotis
Perform the quotidian evening rituals
As onlookers sing along to
The devotional songs and vedic hymns
Clapping,
Enthralled by this oneness

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Stifling Luxury

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Artwork by Rohan Daniel Eason

Artwork by Rohan Daniel Eason

Photo from Goldfinger, 1964

Photo from Goldfinger, 1964

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I want to break free
From the shackles
Of this stifling luxury
Where a dozen men
Render themselves
At my beck and call
Perpetually eager to please
Hovering around
Witnessing familial arguments
Even, private tender moments
Surreptitiously observing my
Every movement
Making me a
Prisoner of this
Regal confinement

These perquisites
Of Black ambassadors
With tinted windows
& light-armed troops
That accompany like a shadow
Bring me only alienation
And a false sense of obligation
As these perks are not mine
To claim
But simply bestowed upon me
By virtue of a shared surname

What use do I have
Of a palatial house
& servings on a silver platter
When I have restricted privacy
And a silk noose around my collar?

Zeigarnik Effect

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http://brainstormpsychology.blogspot.in/2013/08/the-zeigarnik-effect-need-for-closure.html

Artwork by Daniel Segrove

Artwork by Daniel Segrove

Artwork by Kate Powell

Artwork by Kate Powell

I enter

A quasi trance-like state

At the sound of

Rhythmic staccato of

Gravel crunching beneath

And the sight of

Trees whizzing past

As I pedal hypnotically

Burning rubber on

This seemingly endless

Boulevard to infinity

My introspective pilgrimage

Takes a harrowing turn

Leading me into

A passage buried deep

In the crannies of my brain

My mind slowly registering

With sheer dismay

That Zeigarnik Effect is at play

Like the spokes in the wheel

Thoughts of you, turn over and over

In my head

I forlornly ruminate over

Stolen kisses and sweet nothings

Dwell on the image

Of your face

A constant reminder

Of discomfort

Like a stone stuck in a shoe

I am unable

To bid adieu

To the resurfacing memories of you

So I’ve understood

The only way

To put an end to this

Psychological effect

To stride out of this

Zone of displeasure

Is a

Self attained

Cognitive closure

Painting by Januz Miralles

Painting by Januz Miralles

Romancing the Rains

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Cool, crisp
Mountain breeze
Blows through my window
A slight nip
In the air
My heart swells
With merriment
As the first drop of rainfall
Turns to
A drizzle, then
A full-fledged heavy downpour

I watch
With childlike fascination
The spikes of lightning
Lighting up the sky
Soothed, by the sound of rain
Gently splashing
On my window pane
The foliage
Glistening
Swaying joyously
As if welcoming
Celebrating
The onset of monsoon

My romance with rain begins
As I settle with
A piping hot cup of caffeine
To warm my insides, and
A piece of literature
To warm my soul

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Revelation

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This agonizing revelation
Makes me tongue tied
Misty-eyed
Submerging me
In a sea of disconcerting thoughts
While waves of fury
Crash against
The walls of my heart

I feel sick
Sick to the core of my being
Thinking of
The animalistic atrocities
He inflicted
Thinking about her
Being held
Against her will
Molested
Exploited
In more than one way
On more than one day

It all makes sense now,
Her hormonal imbalance
Sexual aversion,
Intimate relationships repulsion
All, an aftermath
Of the barbarity

For years
She kept it to herself
Pushing the harrowing memories
To the back of her mind
When finally, she unloaded
The burden of the secret, confined
Within her

It was a startling revelation
For her too
As the realization of being abused, dawned
Only when she understood what it meant

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Monologues

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Monologues,

Sometimes loud,

The sound of her booming voice

Reverberating

Across the room

In my mind

Sometimes inaudible,

Words muttered under her breath

Spoken barely above a whisper.

Monologues,

Commencing without any provocation

Heedlessly heading in any direction

Regardless of time and place

Often accompanied by mirthless laughter

Or a look of contrived grimace.

These monologues

Always catch me off guard

Albeit, my ears are accustomed

It is indeed hard

To be an unwearied, silent spectator

While the same sentences

Are repeated

Like a tape stuck on replay

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Veil of Flesh

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Your dogged pursuit

Of the perfect built

A drive, bordering on obsession

Is tearing me apart

Rendering me incapable

Of making you comprehend

The simple truth

That, I see beyond

Your veil of flesh

That, your worth

Isn’t dependent

On a robust frame

And without any reservation, I opine

Your chivalrous and benevolent ways

Would put hordes of youthful men to shame

My dearest, my muse

Sharer of my blues

I see through your disguise,

The storms brewing in your eyes

The myriad of emotions

You keep locked up

Channeling your angst

In shaping up

The monkey on your back

Has you dancing to its tunes

It’s time to cease the

Intake of building pills

And focus your energy on

Discovering unused potential

And untapped skills

body hang ups

dear you

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L’appel du Vide

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Perched on a window sill

12 feet above the ground

I gaze with awe at the vast dark sky

Lost in the sound

Of the gentle, slow hum of cars passing by

Then,

My eyes wander to the asphalt concrete below

And I experience an unusual yet familiar urge

To take a leap

To answer

The call of the void

 

Often, I’ve encountered

This bizarre psychological phenomenon

A subconscious rebellion

Against rational behaviour

The Imp of the Perverse

Driven by curiosity of the unknown

Rather than suicidal ideation

 

This urge

However irresistible

Is always fleeting

And never overwhelming. .

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As we lay together

Under the sheets

Our fingers entwined

Your stubble grazed my nape

Face buried in my hair

You breathed me in

Your breath slow and heavy

As you bit me playfully

 

Your hands

Warm upon my skin

Wandered, travelled down

Rested in the curve of my hips

I melted in your embrace

Traced

And ever so lightly

Kissed the outlines of your lips

 

Hours went by

As we revelled in this intimacy

Your touch was pure ecstasy

And when the early morning rays

Caressed the room

One look

At your sweet giddy grin

Your alluring glinting grey eyes

And I knew I’m in love

 

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Reunion Anxiety

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As the day nears

My excitement turns to anxiety

After years

Of being dependent on technology

The notion

Of being in your physical proximity

Terrifies

Intrigues me

 

We’ve evolved

In ways we never thought possible

But has our bond stood the test of time

Or have we grown apart in ways

We aren’t consciously aware of

 

I’m afraid

Of awkward silences

Of things going wrong

Not living up to your expectations

Or peering into your soul

And not knowing who you are anymore

 

Will we feel like jagged pieces of a puzzle?

Or fit unnervingly well?

Only time will tell. .

 

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Mental Regression

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heartworm

n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

 

I’ve been trying

To be oblivious to your resounding absence

To not overlook your arrogance

To loathe you with a vengeance

For inflicting such mental anguish

 

I shred your letters

Along with the ones I penned

But never sent

Set them on fire

Blinked back tears

And watched them turn to ashes

 

I buried your ring

And threw everything I owned

Touched by you

Far into the sea

That reminded me

Of your existence

 

Momentarily

I forget all about you

Then,

Our reservoir of memories

Starts to spill

My mind mentally regresses

To when time stood still

All those suppressed feelings

Creep in again

And I land back to square one

 

It’s a constant battle between remembering and forgetting. .

 

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Gut Instinct

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Am I falling in love

Or am I infatuated

With the idea

Of being in love

With you

Because, I know

How it feels to be

Wholeheartedly besotted

Inexplicably exhilarated                                                  

Losing track of time

And all sense and sensibility

In a beloved’s cherished presence

But with you, it doesn’t feel the same

Is it all in my head?

 

You’re perfect on paper

A charmer by default

But every time I convince myself

To take the plunge

My gut instincts

Make me take a step back

Remind me

Of your persistent,

Quotidian declarations of love,

Our stagnant conversations,

Absence of chemistry

And lack of compatibility

 

Am I finding faults or merely listening to my intuition?

 

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Deciphering A Dream

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rollover reaction

n. when your dream about someone you know skews how you feel about them all the next day, an emotion you are unable—and unwilling—to shake.

 

Often I find answers

In the realm of my dreams

These subconscious thoughts

Uncloud my blurred reality

 

You only fathom a part of me

The one I choose to show

But we’ve been conversing long enough

For our relation to grow

For you to know

Who I truly am

And yet

You’re unable to comprehend

My unuttered woes

The damages I subtly disclose

The baggage weighing me down

The reasons behind my erratic meltdowns

 

I’ve been willing my heart to believe

That someday

You’ll read between my words

See right through

My calm facade, my outer shell

But this dream shattered my illusion

Conveyed a message too strong to dismiss

That you’re not the one

That something is amiss

For once, I’ll let my mind overpower my heart

 

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The Aftermath

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I berate, isolate myself

As I deal with the aftermath

Of the tragedy

That my life has become

 

They all sang the same tune

Advised me innumerable times

Pleaded me

Gave me ultimatums eventually

To escape this addictive trap

To quit inhaling poison

That brings nothing but self-destruction

They said I’m losing my true self

And sooner or later, I’d lose them too

 

Every time I strained myself

To deny the temptation

To listen to my inner voice

But my urge to feed this addiction

Always won

This hard-fought battle

Leaving me

With a Pyrrhic victory

 

I’ve burst the denial bubble

The growing distance

The resounding silences

Too much to bear

It’s time to redeem my life

And I pray for the end

Of this mentally exasperating nightmare

 

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Forever Lost

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Nodus Tollens

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre.

 

Nowadays, I find myself

Mechanically sifting through life

Remembering moments frozen in time

Contemplating the path not taken

Staring into empty spaces

Feeling solitary

In a crowd of familiar faces

 

At night,

Pangs of isolation overwhelm me

Inner conflict brews within

I feel incarcerated in my own skin

I feel

forever lost. .

 

 

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Chink In The Armour

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I had my guards up

Built impenetrable walls around me

Armed myself with a shield of indifference

To escape the hurt

To protect my vulnerable heart

From breaking again

 

I’m terrified

Of entering uncharted emotional territory

Of baring my soul, time and time again

And then you came along

Became the reason

For the smile upon my lips

The gleam in my eyes

You whispered sweet nothings

And ever so gently

Swept me off my feet

Until, it felt too good to be true

With a sinking heart, I asked you to retreat

 

Our goodbye

Made a chink in my Armour

 

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Reverie

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My oddly coordinated limbs

Consistently move

To the beats and bass

Woofers thump

In slow motion

My wild imagination

Transports me

To heavenly destinations

A fusion

Of bizarre yet euphoric images

Crawl in my head

My mind

Creates incredible scenarios

Dwells on a thought

Analysing every outcome

The slow hum

Of banal conversations

Persist

Then laughter fills the dimly lit room

Yet, In the midst of assorted sounds

Moments of solitude exists

I find answers to my unanswered questions

I see people in new light

The numbness exhilarates

Dissipates

Every iota of remorse or guilt

Every trip is different

But this type of high

Always overpowers the lows of life

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Happy Realization

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 I’ve had my fill of

 The daily doze of drama

The Inane altercations

The rigid unrealistic conversations

Evoking tumultuous emotions

I now seek emancipation

And after days of

Vigorous infallible introspection

I’ve come out of denial

No longer do I live

In a world of make believe

No longer do I walk

With my heart on my sleeve

I’ve untangled myself

From this web of deception

I’ve reached a simple conclusion-

You aren’t meant for me after all

I’ll someday find the right guy

The world isn’t so small

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Eve-teased

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I’m fully clothed

Covered from tip to toe

Yet I feel

Stark naked

Filthy to the bone

A piece of meat

As I cross the street

Many pairs of lust filled leering eyes

Travel up and down my body

Fixate on my bosom

They explicitly

Shamelessly

Whistle

Salivate

Pass lurid, crass comments

Make obscene gestures

Derive sadistic pleasure

From this pathetic act

Conveniently termed

Eve-teasing

 

If anything needs to be changed, it’s our MINDSET not our CLOTHES !

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Cloud Nine

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There’s a bounce in my step

A silly grin plastered on my face

I’m jumping in delight

All over the place

I’m on cloud nine

In a euphoric state

Let me bask in happiness

Before this feeling abates

 

The enormity of the achievement

Hasn’t sunk in yet

And for others it may not be a big deal

But to me, it feels surreal

Incredible

Not even in my wildest dreams

Did I think this feat was accomplishable

 

The proud twinkle in my parent’s eyes

Is the biggest reward

All the hard work paid off

I performed to the best of my abilities

Proved everyone wrong

Who doubted my capabilities

 

The end of school life

Couldn’t have been more perfect

 

The result came out yesterday. I scored 92.2 percent ! My family and friends are ecstatic and I’m on CLOUD NINE !  I passed with flying colours ! :D

Daydreams

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I wonder

What it feels like

To have an unblemished,

Porcelain complexion

A bedazzling smile

Legs that go on for a mile

Supple hands, soft to the touch

To be the epitome of sensuality

And ethereality

 

I wonder

What it feels like

To be comfortable in your own skin

To not inwardly cringe

At the sight of your unshapely body

To not see your flaws

Through a magnifying glass

To have that envious figure

A perfect hourglass

To feel the fabric slide effortlessly

Over a concave midriff

Clinging in all the right places

And look endlessly

Exquisite

 

I drift off to daydream

Losing myself in the world

Of whims and fantasies

To temporarily forget about

My idiosyncrasies

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Pulling You Down

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My incessant grieving

My morose whining

Has started to rub off on you

You tried

To pull me out

Form the pit of desolation

I’ve sunk into

Instead

I pulled you down with myself

Not comprehending

That you’ve tears of your own, unshed

Feelings of your own, unsaid

Horrors of the past, and

Struggles of the present

To cope with

Mistakes, and

Squandered opportunities

To lament over

Aggravation inside

For being termed a pushover

And I, of all people, know

How much you’d like to take over

The reins

And slow down

The pace of your tumultuous life

 

You’re my mood lifter

My self-esteem booster

My crisis solver

My conflict resolver

My personal comedian

My confidante

My agony aunt

 

But have I been there for you too?

Have I done you justice?

Or was I too selfish to notice

That you’ve been slipping away

That something was amiss

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Transatlantic Love

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What I’ve learnt from you, my love

Is that

Long distance relationships

Will always get the best of you

Not entirely untrue

Looking at us two

 

Please

Don’t turn the tables on me

You’re the one

Doubting my loyalty

Oozing insecurity

Wounding me with your burning jealousy

Taking suspicions to unrealistic extremes

Our transatlantic love‘s

Falling apart at the seams

 

When did trust become an issue?

Just because I refuse

To tell the whole darn world about us

Doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you

 

I can do without your sly accusations

I’d rather leave than cheat

Don’t treat me like a doormat

You know I’m better than that

 

Bless my broken heart

A heart you’ve beaten black and blue

I will not give up on us

Simply because

. . . I love you 

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To Sanah (Written By Ricardo)


A year ago this absolutely wonderful poet called Ricardo J Rodriguez wrote a poem for me.

Till date I haven’t quite got over it.

I never thought anybody would read my poems let alone be inspired by them.

There are not enough words to express my gratitude. God bless you Ricardo and may your dreams come true. :)

Friends for (N)ever

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You’ve sucked

Every drop of empathy left in me

With your ingratitude

You deceived me with your lies

Took me for a ride

Not once, twice or thrice

But countless times

And I like a gullible fool

Let my anger subside

Forgave you each time

Believed your hollow apologies

Didn’t I deserve to know the truth?

How could you trample upon my trust

With such ease?

 

The final straw came

When you chose a guy

You hardly knew for months

Over me, a friend of 4 years

For the second time in a row

Never knew you were so self-centered

So shallow

 

You always underappreciated me

Took me for granted

Since in your heart you knew

I’d be there for you

Whenever you wanted

I sacrificed my sleep

To listen to your endless rants

About your failed romance

I fought with my parents

To come and see you

Alone, I travelled so far

Should’ve realized

You aren’t worth the effort

A thankless wretch

Is who you truly are

 

You were my utmost priority

I loved you like a sister

Treated you like family

But I’ve had enough of you

I won’t let you manipulate me

Won’t take you back

Even if you implore

No, nothing’s like before

My heart’s so sore

No, I don’t need you anymore

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Still the Same

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I left, thinking

In my absence you will

Overcome the depression spells

Turn your life around

Pick yourself up off the ground

I thought wrong

You haven’t changed a bit

You’ve been drunk on me

All along

 

I left, exasperated

You refused

To come out of your shell

To step beyond

The confines of your bubble

To share your troubles

To reach out for help

When things spiralled out of control

When you began to stumble

You wanted to fight your battles alone

So, I powerlessly watched you crumble

 

I still am

A poison of your choice

A filthy habit you can’t leave

Someone you blindly believe

It’s time you stop being so naive

 

Remember,

You pushed me away

When you lost your way

You thought

Your problems

Would weigh me down

That I’d leave you in the lurch

You thought wrong

I wanted to nurse your bruises

All along

But now we don’t belong

 

You’re still the same

Too dependent

Yet emotionally detached

It’s nobody’s fault

We’re just mismatched

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One Sided Love

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It’s like a stab to my heart

It kills me

To see my soul sister

Grow weaker

Lose hope, her happy spirit

With every passing minute

As she holds onto someone

Who doesn’t want to be held onto

As she runs after a mirage

Prays for the impossible

Makes herself susceptible

To diverse array of emotional pain

Struggles to prove her love to win him back

As he pushes her aside over and over again

 

She knows she should break free

Rise above rejection and move on

But no matter what I say

Or how hard she tries

She can’t convince her heart otherwise

 

My soul sister

Earlier, a free spirit

Now, a hapless victim of one sided love

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Time Zones away

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When your satellite number

Flashes on my phone

Even at ungodly hours

It floods me with tremendous joy

A few minutes of whispering sweet nothings

Just the sound of your voice

Is all I need

To brighten my weekends

To blow my blues away

A perfect start to a Sunday

 

Today

As I answered the phone

With heavy lids and a soaring heart

Your husky, sleepy voice greeted tiredly

It is then that realisation

Dawned on me

Never before have I felt so guilty

And so I remorsefully concede

I’m consumed by greed

For your affection

Dear, you’re all I need

 

Your balancing act

Juggling work and life

Is starting to wear you out

But all I ask for is a little of your time

 

Am I asking for too much, love?

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Thoughts of You

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Every now and then

Thoughts invade my mind

Of you

Of us

Of the past left behind

 

So I sit back and reflect on

Your gratuitous,

Incessant self sacrifice

Your well-meaning yet meddlesome,

Unsolicited advice

Your excessive obsession with me

Was your worst vice

Disguised under the misnomer of love

How I had to leave

When you gave me no room to breathe

When push came to shove

 

It saddens me to remember

The way I left

The things I said which left you bereft

Of sleep, love and happiness

And so I apologize

For the countless

Moments, you felt you weren’t good enough

Not being there, when times were rough

But don’t wait for me

It’s time you let me go

It’s time you stopped living each day in sorrow

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Cancer Stick

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Fingers

With fingernails painted

A subtle shade of blue

Concealing the discolouration

A nasty yellow hue

Reek of heavy

Musky

Acrid odor

Move back and forth

In a rhythmic order

It’s her fourth

Cancer stick

When the nicotine hits

Lightheaded, she starts feeling sick

Her insides are burning

Like the cigarettes she puffs

But her tranquil and reserved exterior

Gives nothing away

Her fingers slightly tremor

As she flicks the ash into the ashtray

She smokes her pain away

 

Labelled as damaged goods

By a person who once mattered

Here she lies broken and tattered

Like the formless gray residue

In the ashtray

A prisoner of the past

She smokes her pain away

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Blow to Ego

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It’s a massive blow

To your larger than life ego

You’re unfamiliar

With being ignored

Accustomed to

Being adored

 

You boast about your infidelities

Often flattered by dim-witted beauties

You’re always put on a pedestal

Forgiven for

Being judgmental

Terribly temperamental

 

After patronizing me every minute of the day

You have the nerve to contact me

And brazenly say

Let’s forget the past and reconcile

But I see right through your sham

Stop pathetically pleading, it’s futile

 

I want nothing to do with you

I’m stunned at your impudence

You’ll be met with resounding silence

No matter how much you try

You should’ve treated me better

But don’t lose sleep

I’ve already bid you goodbye

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Behind Closed Doors

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The mother is hysterical

Out of control

Her malevolent alter ego

Has taken momentary possession of her soul

She’s shouting obscenities

Her shrill voice echoes

In the hollowed unfurnished room

The scene is all too familiar

But every time it evokes fear

Of the impending doom

*Clash*

She smashes a glass

Shards scatter across the floor

She storms off and slams the door

 

The father speaks to her patiently

Firmly

Tries to reason with her

To make her see sense

Convinces her to not take offence

At every action

To not be suspicious

Of everyone’s intention

When she accuses him of unspeakable things

He loses his composure

Raises his voice,

His hand,

BUT stops midway

He can’t do it

He walks away

 

The boy walks down

A flight of stairs

Out of the house

Away from the chaos

His mother’s loud monologue

Faints, as he moves farther

His eyes brim with tears

His limbs collapse

Perhaps,

He’s better off on his own

He cannot live any further

With his mentally unstable mother

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Lingering Suspense

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never sleeps

My fingers linger over the keyboard

Lips move in silent prayer

Stomach growls and groans

Growing queasier by the second

Never before has this happened

Rib cage vibrates with every palpitation

Clammy fingers tremble

Warm beads of sweat

Trickle through my temple

Down my cheek

I hear questions being asked in the distance

My throat feels parched, I cannot speak

 

Mind wills me to type

Those seven cursed digits

That will reveal the result of a yearlong drudgery

And just as I look at the screen

My alarm goes off

Waking me up at the climax of my dream

 

And suspense lingers in the air. .

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Dearth of Compassion

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What has the world come to?

How can honour killing be justified

In the name of religion?

There’s no rhyme or reason

When it comes to crime and treason

I’m ashamed to be a part

Of this barbarous society

Where women are objectified

Their basic rights are denied

They’re beaten, harassed

Left to bear the brunt of men’s hostility

Oppressed, constantly silenced

Stripped of their dignity

 

There’s dearth of compassion

No sense of morality

The newspapers full with tales of

Massacre, rape and merciless savagery

 

If we don’t take a stand against this insanity

It’ll very soon be the end of humanity

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Breaking Point

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I can’t battle with your ego anymore

Your premeditated acts to test me

Have left many scars

Enough to last me a lifetime

No longer would I apologize

For faults that aren’t mine

 

I’m tired of taking the initiative

To resolve conflicts

Often compromising my integrity

Is accepting mistakes and admitting your faults

Beneath your dignity

 

You hold onto resentment

Ruminate about hurtful events

Point fingers of blame at me

Retaliate

Inanely reiterate

 

You’ve driven me to a breaking point

Don’t let me slip through your fingers

Don’t let me walk away

A simple sorry is all I need

All I need to stay 

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I Surrender

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I can’t do it dear father

I don’t have what it takes to compete

I’ve filled your ears with lies

The promise in my eyes

An unintentional deceit

 

I’ve lost faith in myself

Have found self-loathing

My nonexistent progress

It’s the chief cause of my lack of stress

 

Vulnerable to procrastination

Apathy and distraction

I’ve hit rock bottom

Have lost all momentum

All sensibility

There’s no trepidation of failure

No troublesome sleep

No anxiety, no searing fear

 

I can’t meet your expectations

I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me

The results will be disappointing

Not even close to what you’re anticipating

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Under A Dark Cloud

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How do you feel?

When all odds are against you

When nothing is in your favour

When your dreams turn to dust

When there’s none worthy of your trust

 

What do you do?

When your life turns upside down

When the sun refuses to shine

When you dread every waking moment

When you’re reluctant to call a crisis hotline

 

Will you flee or confront your fears?

Do you want to thrive or merely survive?

If you’re not living the life you want

Is there any point in being alive?

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An Uninvited Guest

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A crystal clear voice

Echoes in her head

Playing the same message

Like a broken record

She hears it day and night

It tells her to give up

That life isn’t worth the fight

 

An uninvited guest

It keeps her awake

Dictates her to make

Poor choices against her better judgment

To repeatedly try fatal experiments

 

It’s permanently etched in her memory

The clarity makes it practically hallucinatory

She feels like a victim

Of demonic-possession

The voice seems so real and concrete

But confiding in him only aggravated his grief

So, she chooses to remain discreet

 

A crystal clear voice

Echoes in her head

It says life is no joyride

You know you want to die

And so it continues to plan her suicide

HEAD

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6 Yard Wonder

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In India at the end of our last year of school we have a little party called “Farewell Party” organized by the juniors for the seniors.
Sadly I’ve reached that stage of my life. It’s too soon to say goodbye to school. I don’t think I’m ready to face the big bad world yet.
Nevertheless, my farewell party was a smashing hit. The senior girls proudly strutted sari-clad while the junior girls had to wear salwar kameez.
I even got a badge that said “Ms Twinkle Toes”. Ha! My eccentric dancing skills finally paid off. Trust me, it isn’t easy to even move in a saree though I’m completely smitten by it.

For those of you who don’t know what a saree is, here’s a little something I wrote about it:

A saree is
A 6 yard wonder
The most sensuous
Traditional attire
The finest garment
Every woman’s desire

It partially exposes the midriff
Highlights the waist
On one side
The perfect even pleats and the matching blouse
Accentuate, complete the look
It’s a wardrobe’s glory and pride

Sarees come in rich colours and designs
Sported in different styles and drapes
Embroidered or printed
On tussar silk, chiffon and crepe

It renders class and grace to the wearer
Appeals to the contemporary and ethnic genre
Adds charm to appearance
Reflects the true essence of an Indian woman
It’s the epitome of femininity and elegance

With a friend

With a friend

Temporary Break

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study 3

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There’s no time

To messily scribble

To gently nibble

On an already chewed pen

To leisurely sit in my den

Fill these blank pages

And the empty spaces

Of my heart

To pour art

Into words

But alas, I cannot write anymore

Cannot let my imagination run wild

These books I’ve come to loathe

Are untidily piled

Mocking me, reminding me

Of my incompetence and lack of consistency

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

First of all, A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my dear readers and fellow bloggers!

May this year bring you bountiful peace, happiness and prosperity.

Only 59 days are left for the most important examinations of my life to commence. The result will make or break my future. I’m completely unmotivated and apprehensive and I will have to fight the urge to write till the end of March. My parents have high expectations and I REALLY don’t want to let them down. Things are not looking good, though.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart if I haven’t replied to your comments yet.

It’s the first thing I will do after my examinations get over.

Thank you for visiting my blog. :)

Inevitable Farewell

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Cover pic

talk

first met

tell

Please don’t go

Don’t leave me all alone

We’ve grown

So close

You were always there

Whenever a problem arose

 

Staying up into the wee hours

Of the glorious morning

Sharing our bittersweet childhood memories

Buried so deep

Talking till there’s nothing left to say

Talking till we fell asleep

 

Please don’t go

Don’t leave me empty hearted

There is none like you

So imperfectly true

 

I feel like I’ve known you forever

Though it’s only been four years

I haven’t seen you in ages

Now I’m almost afraid

To see you again

And it drives me insane

 

Please don’t go

Don’t leave me hanging

For another half year

You’re the best friend I ever had

I’m really sorry

I know it makes you sad

To hear these words ever so often

I can’t fight this feeling anymore

But with a heavy heart

I say I won’t implore

You to stay

There’s no choice

It’s your career

You have to go away

 

I know you’ll wait

You know I’ll miss you

Don’t lose your zeal

Don’t let the world change you

Dear best friend, you’re so

Imperfectly true

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Elixir of Death

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Intoxicated
Heavily sedated
On the elixir of death
Groggy eyes, wobbly legs
A sinking feeling
Fumbling, freewheeling
My soul has grown wings
Soaring hundreds of feet high
Away from the hue and cry
Don’t nudge me
Don’t you dare judge me
Don’t deny
Me of my pleasure
Of being in this never -never land
Sobriety will transport me to reality
Will rob me of my quixotic daydreams
Cheers!
Here’s to me and my pathetic existence
Falling apart at the seams

A message for everyone:

Alcohol is not the solution to your problems.

Rethink
Your third drink
Life can be snatched away in a wink
Allow life to thrive
Don’t drink and drive
You booze, you cruise, you lose

My Riposte

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31st January 2011

Remember Arya and Slutgun? 

Last night I received a text (in bold letters) and here’s the answer in an undaunted even slightly aggressive and poetic manner.

You pissed at me because I don’t text at night?

No because I used to and you never bothered to reply

Or simply

Once in a while, sent me an emoticon

What is that even supposed to imply?

 

You pissed at me because I don’t call?

You haven’t since I left

Two years ago

It’s time you outgrow

Your ego

 

Because I didn’t give the appropriate reaction

When we spoke in BP?

Is that when you made me wait

Came half and hour late

Unapologetic,

Fixated on my weight?

 

Because I’m not begging for my t-shirt,

For every detail of your life?

As far as I can remember

We painted the tee together

I’d gladly parcel it to you

It’s not an issue

 

Because I’m this narcissistic science bitch?

Narcissistic? Yes but never a bitch

Science has nothing to do

With morality

This is how you’ve always been

We were intellectually

But never emotionally akin

 

Because I made friends you don’t like?

I never questioned

Your choice of friends

Then, why this sudden urge

To make amends?

Is it because they too

Couldn’t understand you?

 

Look, are we even friends anymore?

After you’ve read so far

It’d be surprising if I said yes

But I’m a person of my word

I meant it when I said

I wouldn’t change you for the world

 

You can give me the answer, and whatever it is,

I’d take it gladly.

I bet my answer caught you off guard

But it wasn’t written with disregard

 

I’m a terrible friend,

I told you earlier.

And lonelier and moodier

 

Just say what’s in you head

And let it be over with.

I just did though

I’ve been holding this in

For a really long time

Our relationship is based on lunacy

Often bordering on the sublime

Insolent Loser

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I’ve been

Horribly mistaken

But today

I stand unshaken

Last night

Was an eye opener

I’d rather be a loner

Than be stuck

With a loser like you

I now know my value

You belittled me

Every chance you got

I almost forgot

What you were like

Narcissistic, obnoxious

Opportunistic, bumptious

 

I applaud your audacity

Within minutes of approach

Your words reeked of acidity

Spoken with the intent to burn

Assuming that I’d stay taciturn

 

Let me wither your vanity

With a little profanity

You think you’re better than me?

I wouldn’t be caught dead with you

I’ve had enough, you son of a bitch

Fuck you.

 

 

Deploring the Decision

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His dwindling affection

Our broken connection

The outright rejection

Hit me hard

Left me distracted

Flummoxed

Isn’t this what I wanted all along?

To forget he ever existed

To wipe out

Every trace of his presence

To start afresh

Then, why can I feel myself disintegrate?

If he wants the same

Wasn’t it me who

So haughtily dismissed

His proposal of staying friends

I should’ve known

Two can play at this game

Of playing hard to get

Well, there’s no need to fret

The damage has been done

He wouldn’t come knocking at my door

He wouldn’t look twice my way

I should’ve known

You can only replay

The scene in your head

‘Cause once spoken

The words can’t be unsaid

 

Infectious Allure

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They say

I’ve a way with words

But with you around

I’m rendered speechless

A little breathless

Heart pounds in my chest

A smile resonates, full of zest

Pupils dilate, cheeks flush

Your gaze turns me

Into mush

I Fidget, fight nerves

Try to say something eloquent

End up sounding pretentious

Even embarrassingly flirtatious

Bowled over by

Your vivacity and charm

Around you the ladies swarm

Drooling over, in a hypnotic trance

I’m fully aware

That I stand no chance

Forgotten Friend

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Our friendship

Had no limitation, no conditionality

I used to be

Your main priority

A cause to cease all activity

A perfect match in compatibility

We were bound together

By our love for uncanny eccentricities

And hatred for stifling egocentricity

You were the epitome of simplicity

I was humbled by your generosity

Amused by your comicality

Pleased by your positivity

Respected your rationality

 

Now

You’re caught up

In your own big life

New friends

New things to try

I’ve fallen to the back of your mind

I’m just a number

A blurry face in your dream

Unsettling your slumber

 

Fallacy of Social Networks

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Social networks

Entrap, mislead

Leave me

Disconsolate

Wishing for more

Make me feel

Unknown, unloved

Unprepossessing

Lowering

My already low self esteem

Bruising

My already deflated ego

 

But I brush aside this feeling

As I see

Pictures changed

At the speed of lightening bolts

With a slight change in pose

Edited in a manner that won’t disclose

Flawed skin and minor deformities

Beneath the glitz and glamour lies

Real-life absurdities

 

Behind the bravado

The pancake makeup

Hides a girl just like me

Wanting to be

Accepted, admired,

Respected, desired

Torn between the conflict of

Being an anti-conformist and “fitting in”

Whirlwind Thoughts

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I can’t wait any longer

I’ve run out of patience

Left to choose between

Confrontation or avoidance

With no shades of grey

A month’s too far away

Eaten up with curiosity

Maintaining a charade of animosity

Experiencing a gamut of emotions

Endlessly listening to recorded conversations

 

Mind at the edge of chaos

Eyes glued to the ceiling

Awaiting the inevitable answer

Envisioning the worst-case scenarios

Having intrapersonal communication

Wishing it was nothing

But a figment of my imagination

 

I’m a coward

Scared of exhibiting love

Withdrawing

Disappearing

Before I’m in too deep

But I wouldn’t be able to sleep

If you don’t tell me now

Are we over yet?

 

The Recreant

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Warning: Contains cuss words

 

 

So tell me

You filthy bastard

What compelled you to say

Those defamatory words

Was it a way

To get my attention

If so, you’ve succeeded

However you’ve failed miserably

In making him believe

He’s more of a man

Than you’ll ever be

 

Who else would you show our picture to?

And what contorted sleazy story

Will you spin this time?

Standing next to you

Doesn’t mean we’re involved

You intended to create a controversy

But we were resolved

To have this problem solved

And are you a fucking primate

I’m not your territory to claim

Haven’t you evolved?

 

I had a niggling doubt

You weren’t the right guy to confide in

But nevertheless I did

Told you every little thing

From pleasant to horrid

 

The more I knew you

The more I began

To question your loyalty

And you proved me right

Showed me your nefarious personality

 

Don’t underestimate my power

I’m capable of completely extirpating you

Though I won’t stoop down to your level

Won’t go to the lengths you went to

 

I won’t give you the privilege

Of taking over my life

Nor will I seek revenge

You’re at the top of my list

Of life’s biggest mistakes

No, you wouldn’t be forgiven

In real life, there are no retakes

 

 

 

Weight Predicament

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They’re trapped

Unable to escape

Embroiled in this vicious cycle of

Starving and binging

Guilt and desperation

Reprimanding themselves for the extra morsel

Purging, an insatiable addiction

Plummeting appetite

Escalating hunger for perfection

Constantly battling with weight issues

For far too long, and hopelessness ensues

 

Unrealistic body-image,

Biologically unattainable

And socially acceptable standards of splendor

Portrayed by the media

Creates uncontrolled mass hysteria

Giving rise to eating disorders

Like anorexia and bulimia

 

Lives are being affected

In every nook and cranny of the world

Bodies, tortured and driven to extremes

Resigning to unhealthy dieting schemes

 

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes

So foster self acceptance

And restore your self-esteem

It’s the secret to everlasting contentment

To counteract this weight predicament

 

 

 

Academic Pressure

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This poem is dedicated to the youth of my nation struggling to cope up with parental pressure. Our education system is more like a “degree” based system where imparting knowledge is secondary to overflowing wallets.

 

 

 

Will I be

Just another statistic

Another life lost

To exalted expectations

Reeling under

The ignominy and stigma

Of failing to secure a position

In the top notch institution

 

Will I be

Scrutinized

For breaking the mould

For actions that are considered bold

For choosing to pursue a career

Distinct from the customary

Aspiring to far greater things

To do something revolutionary

 

I’m not the only one

Dreading the alarm

Tossing and turning in my sleep

Looked down on by those

Who think our goal is beyond our reach

Who relentlessly preach

 

Often subjected to partiality

Teachers launching into a tirade

About how we’re abdicating our filial responsibility

Do not magnify our capability

We will accomplish everything

Within our ability

 

We know we have to work hard

But do not threaten or scare us

But morally support

And mentally prepare us

 

Our young minds are

Struggling to stay resilient

In this cut throat competition

With the academically brilliant

 

Don’t try to live your dreams

Through your children

For we have dreams of our own

We’re not asking to be spoon fed

But don’t dampen our spirits with cold comfort

Don’t push us out of our comfort zone

 

Weary of our corrupted education system

Where our worth is judged by marks

Drawing distinction

Where bribe is commonly referred to as donation

Where a child hailing from a backward region

Is overpowered,

Falling prey to the politically incorrect legion

 

Do not dismiss my thoughts

For I’m young but I’ve seen it all

Little voices like mine

Filled with indignation

Will one day start a movement for liberation

Promote and propagate equality

Build a just, bias free and educated nation

 

 

Love/Hate Conundrum

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I cannot help but smile

At the incongruity of the situation

His denial carries conviction

But instincts warn something is amiss

Befuddled at this

Love/hate conundrum

 

I hate that blank numb stare

The way he nonchalantly looks me in the eyes

Utters sugar coated lies

Wittingly deluding

Into believing

His half-baked stories

 

And then,

His words defy all comprehension

It all seems

A figment of my imagination

Turning putty in his hands

At his electrifying touch

His benevolent smile

Enamored by his incandescent personality

Blinded by his love

I cannot think with clarity

 

Forgetting everything

Forgiving all his sins

He always has the last word

He always wins

 

 

 

 

 

Burning Embers

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Marred charcoal eyes

Rheumy

Bloodshot

Momentarily stinging with smoke

 

Parched black lips

Deftly

Heavily puffing

Inhaling poison

 

Pale, scarred hand

With nicotine stained fingernails

Lightly tapping

Taking long sensual drags

 

Burning embers fall

On the soiled floor

Of a derelict ruin

A refuge at nightfall

Strewn with ash,

Burnt match sticks and cigarette butts

Note: This poem is a work of fiction. I don’t smoke neither do I think it’s for cowards. I personally am against it but to each his own. 

Nourished Soul

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Invigorating

Captivating

Iridescent chirping creatures

Soaring in the morning air

Drew a sharp breath

Felt, the soul cleanse

The winds whip my hair

 

Closed my eyes

Felt the tepid rays

Warm upon my face

Olfactory senses tickled

By the musty smell of wet soil, damp grass

Dew glimmering on foliage

Slumberous, stifled a yawn

Reminded of a bygone age

Of early summer’s dawn

 

The events of yesterdays are forgotten

Appeased, I head towards the bed

No longer does sleep elude me

Nature has set me free

 

There’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.

Cathartic Rant

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Dear readers,

The one thing I love other than writing is randomly browsing through blog posts and reading the posts of people who take out time to read mine. I can say I’ve grown quite fond of these people I befriended in the virtual world. I don’t recall where, but I found this interesting question put forward by this talented young lad. He asked- Would you like being your own friend? Such simple words triggered panic in my heart, awoke me from my slumber of delusion. I did what I considered the best way of catharsis. I confided in a friend. Since I couldn’t call him up I sent him a mail.

At 4 A.M.

I had no intention of posting it on my blog and sharing my most private thoughts with the whole world (as you’d see from the first few lines of the mail) but I was intrigued, by god knows what, and I decided to go ahead with it.

In its truest sense, it is nothing more than a rant.

“I’m warning you beforehand, I’m not high on caffeine and this isn’t some insomnia induced mania. If you haven’t already made up situations in your head as to why I’d mail you so late, I suggest you read further and make your own judgments.

So here I go…

Since I can’t post such random rants on my blog, I’d rather continue this one sided nocturnal conversation than do something dumb, which mind you I’m highly capable of at ungodly hours. Let’s cut to the chase. The reason I’m so absent-minded and tempestuous these days is because I’m 3 days away from my exams. Well, that’s part of the reason. I hate feeling lonely and I’ve passed that phase, fortunately, where I couldn’t differentiate between being lonely and being alone. I’m well loved and adored, warts and all, but there’s this void inside my heart corroding all the positivity that dares to enter. I overlook my blessings and crib and whine over meager problems one is supposed to deal with in order to be strong and to well, maintain balance in life. I do it so often (complain and grumble and chastise myself) and with such ferocity that people around me are rendered speechless. They’re unable to advise me on such trivial matters simply because the solution is right there in front of my eyes waiting to be brought to life and I absolutely refuse to acknowledge it. They try to penetrate the walls I’ve built, to sneak a peek and make me understand in their best possible way but I always push them away. I feel like if they explore my mind, get to know the real me they’d walk away sooner or later because they’d realize there isn’t much to stay for. I’ve always questioned my sanity as you know so well but what’s plaguing me is that I’ve never tried to change myself. The habits I know will destroy me in the end are still hampering my growth. I’m still the self deprecating inveterate worrier. I’m still ME. And to add insult to injury, I’m content being myself. Is it fair to people who try so hard to get close to me? I wouldn’t hold on for as long as they have if I were in their shoes. I know it sounds all disorienting but that is how I feel right now. How I’ve always felt. For once it wouldn’t do me justice if you blame it on hormonal imbalance. For once I don’t want you to soothe me like you always do. Don’t try to prove me wrong and remind me of those who’d go to any length to be with me. I want you to read every word, contemplate and then burn it from your memory. Because this is just the beginning of the late night mails you’ll receive from now on. I’m granting you your wish. I’m letting you read my thoughts.

Are you at your wits end yet? If yes, then good. Because that’s exactly what I intended to do.

Loads of love.

Sanah”

 

The friend I sent this to has the patience of a saint. He didn’t call me crazy or laugh it off. He so lovingly said he’d love to read more about me and would never walk away from me.

I can proudly say I’m blessed to have such people in my roller-coaster life even though I’ve done nothing to deserve them.

 

 

Delusions of Grandeur

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I watched the harrowing scene unfold

Out of the corner of my eye

I hadn’t meant to pry

But neither could I look away

Her face, grief-stricken, wincing

Her racing heart, sinking

His menacing eyes

Searched her pale face

His disparaging words, dashing hopes

Tying invisible ropes

Strangling her

She lost her composure

He remained indifferent

Continued to vent

As if her sighing tears

Were inaudible to his ears

His eyes darted towards me

A look of pure malice crossed his face

I shook my head and walked away

For such is the tragedy of life

I could only look from afar

A helping hand would be deemed an invasion

No amount of persuasion

Would make her see

His delusions of grandeur

                       Don’t let anyone EVER treat you less than you deserve.

P.s  I heard this song called “Beautiful” by Mercy Me.

It goes like – “The days will come when you don’t have the strength

When all you hear is you’re not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much”

Amazing isn’t it?

Necessary Evil

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My 50th post !! *Cheers* :D

ACROSTIC POEM. (A cryptographic form in which the initial letter of each line spells out a word, often the subject of the poem)

 

 

 

 

Examinations are just around the corner now

Xerox copies of notes we never made, piled on our desks

Adamant, rebellious, unabashed we had roamed the streets

Maddening amounts of caffeine drowned our thoughts

Illicit ideas, imbecility, intimacy and ideals consumed our minds

Never worrying about the future, we had lived in the present

A look of disappointment appears on our face, as we all eventually realize

The time we spent on futile things, the time we spent so recklessly

Is never going to come back, a fact we can’t ignore anymore

Obstinance replaced by obedience, It is

Never too late to start afresh

Strong willed and determined to prove ourselves and open new doors

Broken Spell

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Dismaying, perplexing thoughts are exploding

Our amorous passion was once so ubiquitous

Never overshadowed by this sense of foreboding

That our bond would turn so tempestuous

 

We’re caught in this never ending cycle of

Clashing egos

Agonizing woes

Claiming superiority

Plaguing insecurity

Nerve-racking agitation

Avoiding confrontation

And moments of quiet introspection

 

The spell we were under

Has already broken

It’s been a fortnight

Since we’ve spoken

 

I’m disentranced and out of love

And truth be told, so are you

Do you see any point in continuing?

Or do you want to end it too?

 

It’s time we stop

Beating around the bush

And playing games that vex us more

All it’ll take is a dignified ending

Through mutual consent

Because darlin’ nothing lasts forevermore

 

 

 

 

Staying Strong

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A friend of mine (Nancy, for those of you who’ve heard me talk about her so many times) is in a long distance relationship since THREE YEARS !

Hats off to people who’ve the patience to pull it off. :)

We haven’t come out completely unscathed
From days of deafening silence
Explicit confessions
Petulant mood
Misconceptions
Quibbles over
Differing perceptions
Lack of faith and
Doubting intentions

But your words still ring in my head
You’d once said
“We’re in this together
You’re not alone”
And we’ve come so far
It’s a feat in its own

The ordeal isn’t over yet
There are countless days to endure
Finding solace in your unfailing love
I’m content and secure

You’re a thousand miles away
And I know I’m easily swayed
But when you’ll be finally here
Time will slow down
As I’ll lovingly gaze into your eyes
Deep rich brown
Crinkling when you smile
Quipping in jest,
Oh your humor is so puerile
Charmed by your aura of mystique
All words forgotten
Spoken in a fit of pique

Seeking Forgiveness

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It is an entirely different poem but also a sequel of Last Chance, depicting the turn of events.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In just a matter of days

The roles have reversed

Our lives, once merged

Have abruptly diverged

 

You’re hurt beyond repair

Despondent

Desolate

Seething despair

 

I’ve been

Inadvertently vindictive

My erratic disposition predictive

Disregarding your efforts to reconcile

Spewing despicable words, vague and vile

Even then you held on,

Brimming with optimism, hopeful and docile

 

It’s too late to confine the conflict

To maneuver it on a productive course

Your curt replies and cold shoulder

Sear my heart, make me grievous with remorse

 

But everyone deserves a second chance

A chance to redeem

A chance to vindicate

Tribulations never last long

They eventually abate

 

So take your time to think it through

Grant me absolution ‘cause I want you,

Keep those arms wide open,

Please let me in

And I promise to

Never hurt you, to support you

Through thick and thin

 

 

Last Chance

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As the lies mount up

You lose track

Fumbling of excuses

To cover up the blurted truth

Your twisted words

Silently bruising

Infuriatingly bewildering

Spiritually grueling

 

Blinded by your intriguing charm

Roped into your deceiving arm

The fault is nonetheless mine

Should’ve taken some time

So you’d wait and pine

 

Honesty has never been your virtue

The seeds of doubt in my mind perpetually grew

Loving you now seems like an arduous task,

Unknown to me, the one behind the camouflage

 

But everyone deserves a second chance

A chance to redeem

A chance to vindicate

Tribulations never last long

They eventually abate

 

So I give you time to think it through

Realize why I always forgave you

With arms wide open,

I’d let you in

Only if you promise to

Be sincere, to support me

Through thick and thin

 

A Solemn Vow

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We’ve shared moments of

Whispered secrets

Sheer delight

Teenage riot

White lies

Consoling weeping eyes

Burning the midnight oil

Phases of exasperating emotional turmoil

Late night conversations

Reveling in each others jubilation

Mirth and grief

Trivial arguments on conflicting beliefs

Flaring temper and comforting silences

Soothing advice and jocularity

Of battles fought and lessons learned

Of accepting differences and similarities

 

I promise to

Be by your side

Whenever you’re forlorn, in need of comfort

To relieve you of any repressed hurt

To love you with all my heart

To never let the smile on your face depart

 

It’s a solemn vow

I’m determined to keep

A very happy 17th birthday my dearest best friend

May god shower you with happiness and

The willpower to cross mountains, no matter how steep

I dedicate this poem to Nandita- My best friend, my sister, my life.

Our first photograph taken four years ago. 
L-R: Nandita and Me

Growing as a writer


Dear fellow bloggers,

Hello and welcome to my blog. Unfortunately, there’s no poem to entertain and enchant you with this time. The thing is my Dad’s in the Armed Force and he gets posted every 1.5 years or so and I’m shifting to Lucknow (Situated on the northern Gangetic plains of India) in a week. But I’m leaving for Delhi (Capital of India) tomorrow, as my mum stays there. I’m in my final year of schooling (I’m a senior) and the academic pressure is already building up. To say the least, it took a lot of time to adjust here in Jammu (winter capital of Jammu and Kashmir) and being an extrovert I’d never anticipated being so isolated. Not only was I staying in a remote area miles away from the Main City but the mentality of people took me by surprise. It was a rude shock and it shook me to the core. So I resigned to fate and confined myself within the four walls of my little home. That is when my artistic prowess shined through the words I dreamily scribbled on the last pages of notebooks. I’ve always been a quitter because I don’t have the patience and perseverance to accomplish something but poetry offered a different world. My poems were not only appreciated but insightful critiquing was a major help. I was highly motivated by other poets and I realized, writing is cathartic for me and it’s the ONLY thing in my life that makes me feel alive.

Coming back to the issue on hand, I’m scared that after I shift I’d no longer be able to write. School work and adjusting to a new place will consume all my time. I’m not consistent and I’ve noticed a pattern i.e. I write about 6 poems in a month and then my creative juices cease to flow though I’ve never pushed myself to write because almost every time I’ve no clue about what I’m going to pen down. My ideas appear on the spur of the moment and spontaneously similar thoughts follow next. But what If my brain refuses to be creative burdened by all the stress?

Only time will tell.

Till then, I want to thank ALL the people who took out time to read my poems, follow my blog, drop heart-felt comments and clicked the like button.

Thank you so much!
All of you bloggers are amazing writers and I wish you good luck.
I hope I keep improving, accepting new challenges and exploring new terrain.

Take care.
With warm regards, Sanah

Bonding Time

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He said
Tie up that loosely swinging lace
Or you’d fall flat on your face
Buckle up little soldier
For a march of our own
With synchronized steps
Shoulder to shoulder
Cross the road yourself today
C’mon now, be a bit bolder

Watch out for the vehicles
He’d chide
Walk on the right side
Lengthen your stride
But his words would fall on deaf ears
And when I’d start to pant
He’d slow down to my pace
With a whimsical grin on his face
He’d tease me all the way home
And call me a sloth, a wise cracking gnome

He called it “bonding time”
A time we’d walk routinely
On our customary routes
Sometimes having momentous conversations
Other times mimicking people, in cahoots

He’s toughening me up
Preparing me for the real world
For I’m safe in my cocoon
Polishing my rough edges
A wild bush he’d prune
Tending with loving care
He’s a godsend, a disguised boon

He’d entertain and enlighten
With stories and childhood shenanigans galore
My witty walking partner
His playful personality keeps me in stitches
Time will fly and our walks would cease altogether
But I’ll always cherish
These walks with my father

Return of the Rogue

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I see, you’ve returned
From your voyage
Around the world
Sedate and comically sunburned

Lo and behold
It’s your birthday
Showered with love
Postcards sent all the way
To your doorway
From a girl in every port
Who’d been at your beck and call
From fleeting courtships
On the verge of fizzling out
When they finally figured
You weren’t such a knock-out

Oh, you expected me to wish
How could you be so foolish?
Hoping you’d show up and be forgiven
That after all this time,
I’d still be love-stricken

Anyway, A very Happy Birthday to the lying
Cheating rogue
You’re one day closer to dying
I forsake you, rot in hell
Goodbye scoundrel, fare the well

PMS Delirium

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My jeans are tightening
My rear is fattening
My waist isn’t tiny
“Oh god, why me?”
My hair is greasy
My room looks sleazy
It takes every ounce of energy
To write
My grades are dropping
I’ve lost my insight

Their life seems
So much better than mine
All I do is throw a fit and whine
Lashing out at anyone who dares to call
Vacillating between extreme of
Depression and elation
Laziness and agitation

Obsessing over appearance and weight
Abruptly infuriated over being laughed at
For choosing to remain celibate
This mania continues throughout the day
Before it gradually begins to abate

The short-lived hysteria subsides
As I gulp in fresh air, out on a stroll
Bereft of anger and at peace
My frenzied irrational thoughts no longer beyond control

Bidding Adieu

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As they bid adieu
With grave morose faces
A heavy brooding silence descended on them
Mourning the loss of time
Spent battling, sabotaging lives
Feigning indifference
Maintaining a hollow pretense
Having fun at one another’s expense

The struggle between a proud mind
And an empty heart
Conning each other, trying to outsmart
Had lead nowhere
It had only widened the void
Craving to be filled with sisterly love and care

As they huddled closer
Reminiscing the carefree and joyful days
Overwhelmed and nostalgic
They tore down the wall that had built between them
Brick by brick

Alas, it was time to leave
It would’ve taken only an apology
To relieve
Her of her misery
But none had taken the first step
Scared of the implication
So she had and boy, she was glad

Had they done so
She would’ve forgiven them
In a heartbeat
Now all she’ll remember would be
A hasty hug and a mumbled goodbye
For in this lifetime
They’d never meet

Estranged Beloved

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Perched on his bike
His shoulders sagged
His head bent
Peering at the ground
Oblivious to the gaiety around

Took a valiant effort to pass by
On impulse she looked back
Their eyes locked
She stopped in her track
In his hand he held a half-empty cigarette pack
He smiled his trademark smile
Wry and a bit sly
One that made women go weak in their knees
On her it seemed futile

Her face grew solemn
As he approached her
Willful ignorance and fatalism
Had all been in vain
Fate had ordained their meeting
Here was her chance to explain

He stood still, searching her eyes
A pregnant pause lingered in the air
Recalling the distress her sudden disappearance had caused
His questioning gaze turned into a glare

She refused to meet his eyes
And spoke the words she had rehearsed for days
Unburdening the weight on her heart
She felt they had drifted in divergent pathways

With nothing left to say
And one last look
She did what she’d done before
. . . Slowly walked away

Male Chauvinist Pig

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Cold stares and snickering
As she moved further
Their banter turned to bickering
About the extent of your intimacy
Your humility
Had given way to insecurity

She was the talk of the town
Flooded with degrading mails
Inquiring about the minute details
Of the scandalous tales
You had so insolently spread
My heart dropped
Hearing the things you had said

Who knew you were capable of such a heinous act
You defamed her and disgraced her honour
Unworthy of her trust
What you did was atrocious and unjust

A foul-mouthed male chauvinist pig
Is what you truly are
You were her strength, her messiah
Now she’s suffocating behind closed doors
Crushed under the weight of
Living life as a social pariah

Reliving Ingrained memories

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Strolling in the wilderness
In a reverie, aimless
This panoramic vision
Had once been a haven
For their clandestine liaison

The unrivaled beauty, unfolds
A myriad of heart-rending memories
Etched in her mind,
For years they had laid entwined
Beneath the willow
Humming a melody
Pleasant and mellow

On the brink of inanity
She indulges in maudlin self-pity
Their love as sweet as a miracle
Had turned into a macabre debacle

Satiated and weary
Of shedding tears
She gathers strength and walks away
Her fingertips slightly brushing against
The familiar trees forming an archway

Bullying Babe

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The first words that came to my mind for the title were skank and other extremely vulgar words. Though I loathe this woman with my whole being, it doesn’t seem right to belittle her character. Dealing with “emotionally unbalanced” people is a part of growing up and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. :)

 

A narcissistic slacker

An egoistic blabber

Uptight and prissy

With your cronies tagging behind

A tattletale you’ll forever be

 

You lured him under false pretense

You torture people with slanderous comments

Proficient at psychological harassment

Crumbling morale, your main intent

Sick of your own tyranny, you’d someday relent

 

Bullying your way through sorrow

Throwing insults, expecting others to swallow

I’m weary of your constant manipulative tactics

You’re renowned for your domineering antics

 

Your callous disregard and abrasiveness

Make me want to maul your face

If only I could expunge you from my memory

And put an end to this tiresome chase

Worth the Wait

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A radiant smile on her face

Her eyes, twinkling with mischief

Returning from a rendezvous

With her loving beau

 

A harmless tryst

Unfurled an unexpected twist of fate

One thing led to another

The repressed desire and longing

Gave way to sudden explosion

Of sensuality and passion

 

Bonding of souls

Mingling of hearts

Letting go

Of sense and sanity

Holding onto

Pure unadulterated ocean of love

Filled with drops of tranquility

 

He was worth the wait

As unplanned as it was

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect

Her conscience clear of any inner conflict

 

A step towards blossoming womanhood

Acceptance of flaws

And deeper understanding of loyalty

Long Lost Love

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His hands, wrapped around her petite waist

Her angelic face buried in his chest

Glowing, beaming

From the warmth of his embrace

They seem content, in a state of bliss

Then why does it take my breath away

Drowning me in an abyss

Of dejection and despair

Pangs of jealousy

Paralyze me with anguish

Oh how I wish

I had never let him leave

He was the best thing that happened to me

A one man army, burdening himself with my grief

Consoling me, late into the night

Till I sighed with relief

 

May your love flourish eternally

May your strong silent shoulder provide solace

For I can only weep at the sight of my own weakness

For I know I’ll never replace

That pretty face

Cruel Ruse

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Betrayal engraved by destiny

A solitary wanderer on an endless journey

On the brink of collapsing

My faith in humanity, dwindling

 

I can hear my heart breaking

Shattering into a million pieces

With revulsed dismay and frayed nerves

I retrace my steps as he observes

 

Expectations have disappointed me yet again

All the self-sacrifice went in vain

In this tainted relationship causing immense pain

Your true feelings were shrouded with disdain

 

Your manipulative and deceptive charms

Won’t entice me anymore

The dark veil of denial has lifted

The mist of starry-eyed dreams have drifted

 

Trust once broken

Cannot be regained

Our pure love has now been stained

I’m leading the life of a recluse

Misused

A victim of your cruel ruse

Lune(y) Haikus

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This is my first attempt at a fixed-form variant haiku created by Jack Collom, called LUNE! It is measured in words rather than syllables and is free from all constraints associated with haiku, thus need not contain kigo (season-word), kire (cut), may rhyme and may use all other poetic devices. The form is 3/5/3 words.

(As per Wikipedia)

*Fingers Crossed*

 

Our feet dangling

In the ice cold water

Glistening in sunlight

 

 

Speculations and accusations

Threaten to jeopardize strong relationships

Even destroy them

 

 

Inevitable bouts of

Homesickness and anxiety arise, causing

Painfully severe heartache

 

 

If only his,

Feather touch and fragrant scent lingered, a

Dream come true

 

 

The dark shadows

Fall in step with me

My pace quickens

 

 

Her smiling face

Haunting, everlasting, may her soul

Rest in peace

 

A Woman Scorned

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An audible gasp

As I wrench away from your grasp

No longer will I let you patronize me

The chagrin apparent on your face

As you go on a cussing spree

 

Your condescending eyes

Glint with madness and insanity

You can’t stand being contradicted

We had never been on the same page anyway

Our ideas and beliefs had always conflicted

 

Your temper had flared

From time to time

But never had I seen a violent streak

I’d learned to overlook your inflated ego and pride

But that just gave way to the aggression inside

 

You’ll receive,

A kick to the groin

And a broken nose

Courtesy of my fist

If you ever again try to

Raise your voice

Or grab my wrist.

“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned

Charade

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The scene at a soiree from the eyes of a cynic. ( Acrostic Poem) 

Cadenza, unable to drown the cacophony of voices

Half-witted conversations by

A bunch of silver-tongued sycophants

Raconteurs hogging the limelight and a few others

Abstaining from alcohol, almost abstemious

Damsels in distress, jaded, waiting to be wooed, with

Exquisitely tainted sensuality

Spoilt Brat

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Happy Mother’s day in advance to all the wonderful mommies out there !!

The last picture in the photo album

Takes me back to my early formative years

Memories come flooding back

My wandering mind has a flashback

 

I remember saying all the things

I shouldn’t have

Spiteful words

Filled with rancour

Spat out curtly

My mother, a victim of my rage

Her distress caused no sorrow

I was engulfed by the dark side of teenage

 

The more she tried

The more I rebelled

There was turmoil in her mind

While mine wreaked havoc and was undeniably unkind

 

Freedom was not enough

Nothing could straighten me out

I abhorred the dull routine of existence

Breaking curfew, constant tantrums and brazen acts

Only widened the distance

 

I shudder at the thought

Of how reckless I was

Even the sincerest apologies

Won’t lessen the pain I’d caused

 

But a mother’s heart can never hold grudges

She’s still the same old loving and forgiving woman

I haven’t grown any wiser

Although she’s made me a better human

Stage Fright

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Pin drop silence

The calm before the impending storm

Luck has never been in her favour

Even then her instincts told her to be braver

 

A deep-throated voice booms out her name

The dreaded moment has come

She hears the echo of her footsteps

As she clutches the mike with sweaty palms

And growing qualms

 

A hundred pairs of eyes gaze at her

Some intently

Others curiously

With a deep breath

She finally utters her first words

The tension built inside, evaporates

The reluctance to make eye-contact fades

 

The words seem to flow smoothly

And with certainty

It ends within minutes

Followed by thunderous applause

She walks away with her head held high

Relieved, this too had passed by.

Cookie-Cutter Hands

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Red lines appear

As the razor pierces through her skin

Each cut deeper than the last

Closer to the vein

A classic case of self-inflicted pain

 

Blood trickles down profusely

Refusing to stop

As it falls on the marbled floor

Drop by drop

 

Her sore blood-stained hands

Search new places to injure

It’s the re-emergence of an old habit

Trying to fill this void of loneliness

This endless feeling of helplessness

 

The pungent smell appalls her to no end

Ashamed of being so weak

She promises to cease this form of self-mutilation

But even to her own ears

The words sound hollow

She knows her intentions will change again tomorrow

Deceiver’s Lair

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Her eyes turn a deep shade of amber

Ablaze with fury

Boring with such intensity into the eyes

Of a passionate teller of half-truths and whole lies

The torment evident in her unwavering glare

Caught in the deceiver’s lair

 

Her knuckles whiten

As her calloused fingers ball up into a fist

Her face, gaunt and drained

of all emotion, pained

the molten hurt bubbling deep within, restrained.

 

With one last look at his face

She walks away into the night

Her silhouette disappearing in the moonlight

 

Her silence says it all..

 

I Dreamt of Happiness

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I dreamt of the street

I had trodden on everyday

I dreamt of the high building

I called my own for years

I dreamt of the lonesome park bench

I would sit on, at dusk

I dreamt of a house

I’d go to every now and then

 

I dreamt of a familiar looking woman cooing at her baby

I dreamt of the coloured swings

I dreamt of the places we’d go to

I dreamt of the tree carvings

 

I dreamt of our long conversations

That kept us awake whole night

I dreamt of your farewell party

With you squealing with delight

 

I woke up with a smile

I woke up full of life

The past however turbulent it had been

Was also filled with cherishable memories.

 

Prodigal Forever

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The mother cries with relief

“I thank thee, lord

thou helped him survive”

overwhelmed with the sheer visceral joy of seeing him alive

the love in her heart overpowers the fear in her mind

he had run away to escape the world in which he was confined

 

All hail the prodigal son

for he has returned

no longer headstrong or obstinate

he staggers with an impish grin on his face

he plans to stay and mend his ways

and leave behind his carefree days

 

Or so she envisions.