The one thing I love other than writing is randomly browsing through blog posts and reading the posts of people who take out time to read mine. I can say I’ve grown quite fond of these people I befriended in the virtual world. I don’t recall where, but I found this interesting question put forward by this talented young lad. He asked- Would you like being your own friend? Such simple words triggered panic in my heart, awoke me from my slumber of delusion. I did what I considered the best way of catharsis. I confided in a friend. Since I couldn’t call him up I sent him a mail.
At 4 A.M.
I had no intention of posting it on my blog and sharing my most private thoughts with the whole world (as you’d see from the first few lines of the mail) but I was intrigued, by god knows what, and I decided to go ahead with it.
In its truest sense, it is nothing more than a rant.
“I’m warning you beforehand, I’m not high on caffeine and this isn’t some insomnia induced mania. If you haven’t already made up situations in your head as to why I’d mail you so late, I suggest you read further and make your own judgments.
So here I go…
Since I can’t post such random rants on my blog, I’d rather continue this one sided nocturnal conversation than do something dumb, which mind you I’m highly capable of at ungodly hours. Let’s cut to the chase. The reason I’m so absent-minded and tempestuous these days is because I’m 3 days away from my exams. Well, that’s part of the reason. I hate feeling lonely and I’ve passed that phase, fortunately, where I couldn’t differentiate between being lonely and being alone. I’m well loved and adored, warts and all, but there’s this void inside my heart corroding all the positivity that dares to enter. I overlook my blessings and crib and whine over meager problems one is supposed to deal with in order to be strong and to well, maintain balance in life. I do it so often (complain and grumble and chastise myself) and with such ferocity that people around me are rendered speechless. They’re unable to advise me on such trivial matters simply because the solution is right there in front of my eyes waiting to be brought to life and I absolutely refuse to acknowledge it. They try to penetrate the walls I’ve built, to sneak a peek and make me understand in their best possible way but I always push them away. I feel like if they explore my mind, get to know the real me they’d walk away sooner or later because they’d realize there isn’t much to stay for. I’ve always questioned my sanity as you know so well but what’s plaguing me is that I’ve never tried to change myself. The habits I know will destroy me in the end are still hampering my growth. I’m still the self deprecating inveterate worrier. I’m still ME. And to add insult to injury, I’m content being myself. Is it fair to people who try so hard to get close to me? I wouldn’t hold on for as long as they have if I were in their shoes. I know it sounds all disorienting but that is how I feel right now. How I’ve always felt. For once it wouldn’t do me justice if you blame it on hormonal imbalance. For once I don’t want you to soothe me like you always do. Don’t try to prove me wrong and remind me of those who’d go to any length to be with me. I want you to read every word, contemplate and then burn it from your memory. Because this is just the beginning of the late night mails you’ll receive from now on. I’m granting you your wish. I’m letting you read my thoughts.
Are you at your wits end yet? If yes, then good. Because that’s exactly what I intended to do.
Loads of love.
The friend I sent this to has the patience of a saint. He didn’t call me crazy or laugh it off. He so lovingly said he’d love to read more about me and would never walk away from me.
I can proudly say I’m blessed to have such people in my roller-coaster life even though I’ve done nothing to deserve them.