Reunion Anxiety

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As the day nears

My excitement turns to anxiety

After years

Of being dependent on technology

The notion

Of being in your physical proximity

Terrifies

Intrigues me

 

We’ve evolved

In ways we never thought possible

But has our bond stood the test of time

Or have we grown apart in ways

We aren’t consciously aware of

 

I’m afraid

Of awkward silences

Of things going wrong

Not living up to your expectations

Or peering into your soul

And not knowing who you are anymore

 

Will we feel like jagged pieces of a puzzle?

Or fit unnervingly well?

Only time will tell. .

 

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Mental Regression

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heartworm

n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

 

I’ve been trying

To be oblivious to your resounding absence

To not overlook your arrogance

To loathe you with a vengeance

For inflicting such mental anguish

 

I shred your letters

Along with the ones I penned

But never sent

Set them on fire

Blinked back tears

And watched them turn to ashes

 

I buried your ring

And threw everything I owned

Touched by you

Far into the sea

That reminded me

Of your existence

 

Momentarily

I forget all about you

Then,

Our reservoir of memories

Starts to spill

My mind mentally regresses

To when time stood still

All those suppressed feelings

Creep in again

And I land back to square one

 

It’s a constant battle between remembering and forgetting. .

 

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Gut Instinct

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Am I falling in love

Or am I infatuated

With the idea

Of being in love

With you

Because, I know

How it feels to be

Wholeheartedly besotted

Inexplicably exhilarated                                                  

Losing track of time

And all sense and sensibility

In a beloved’s cherished presence

But with you, it doesn’t feel the same

Is it all in my head?

 

You’re perfect on paper

A charmer by default

But every time I convince myself

To take the plunge

My gut instincts

Make me take a step back

Remind me

Of your persistent,

Quotidian declarations of love,

Our stagnant conversations,

Absence of chemistry

And lack of compatibility

 

Am I finding faults or merely listening to my intuition?

 

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Deciphering A Dream

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rollover reaction

n. when your dream about someone you know skews how you feel about them all the next day, an emotion you are unable—and unwilling—to shake.

 

Often I find answers

In the realm of my dreams

These subconscious thoughts

Uncloud my blurred reality

 

You only fathom a part of me

The one I choose to show

But we’ve been conversing long enough

For our relation to grow

For you to know

Who I truly am

And yet

You’re unable to comprehend

My unuttered woes

The damages I subtly disclose

The baggage weighing me down

The reasons behind my erratic meltdowns

 

I’ve been willing my heart to believe

That someday

You’ll read between my words

See right through

My calm facade, my outer shell

But this dream shattered my illusion

Conveyed a message too strong to dismiss

That you’re not the one

That something is amiss

For once, I’ll let my mind overpower my heart

 

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The Aftermath

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I berate, isolate myself

As I deal with the aftermath

Of the tragedy

That my life has become

 

They all sang the same tune

Advised me innumerable times

Pleaded me

Gave me ultimatums eventually

To escape this addictive trap

To quit inhaling poison

That brings nothing but self-destruction

They said I’m losing my true self

And sooner or later, I’d lose them too

 

Every time I strained myself

To deny the temptation

To listen to my inner voice

But my urge to feed this addiction

Always won

This hard-fought battle

Leaving me

With a Pyrrhic victory

 

I’ve burst the denial bubble

The growing distance

The resounding silences

Too much to bear

It’s time to redeem my life

And I pray for the end

Of this mentally exasperating nightmare

 

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Forever Lost

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Nodus Tollens

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre.

 

Nowadays, I find myself

Mechanically sifting through life

Remembering moments frozen in time

Contemplating the path not taken

Staring into empty spaces

Feeling solitary

In a crowd of familiar faces

 

At night,

Pangs of isolation overwhelm me

Inner conflict brews within

I feel incarcerated in my own skin

I feel

forever lost. .

 

 

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Chink In The Armour

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I had my guards up

Built impenetrable walls around me

Armed myself with a shield of indifference

To escape the hurt

To protect my vulnerable heart

From breaking again

 

I’m terrified

Of entering uncharted emotional territory

Of baring my soul, time and time again

And then you came along

Became the reason

For the smile upon my lips

The gleam in my eyes

You whispered sweet nothings

And ever so gently

Swept me off my feet

Until, it felt too good to be true

With a sinking heart, I asked you to retreat

 

Our goodbye

Made a chink in my Armour

 

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Reverie

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My oddly coordinated limbs

Consistently move

To the beats and bass

Woofers thump

In slow motion

My wild imagination

Transports me

To heavenly destinations

A fusion

Of bizarre yet euphoric images

Crawl in my head

My mind

Creates incredible scenarios

Dwells on a thought

Analysing every outcome

The slow hum

Of banal conversations

Persist

Then laughter fills the dimly lit room

Yet, In the midst of assorted sounds

Moments of solitude exists

I find answers to my unanswered questions

I see people in new light

The numbness exhilarates

Dissipates

Every iota of remorse or guilt

Every trip is different

But this type of high

Always overpowers the lows of life

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Happy Realization

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 I’ve had my fill of

 The daily doze of drama

The Inane altercations

The rigid unrealistic conversations

Evoking tumultuous emotions

I now seek emancipation

And after days of

Vigorous infallible introspection

I’ve come out of denial

No longer do I live

In a world of make believe

No longer do I walk

With my heart on my sleeve

I’ve untangled myself

From this web of deception

I’ve reached a simple conclusion-

You aren’t meant for me after all

I’ll someday find the right guy

The world isn’t so small

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Eve-teased

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I’m fully clothed

Covered from tip to toe

Yet I feel

Stark naked

Filthy to the bone

A piece of meat

As I cross the street

Many pairs of lust filled leering eyes

Travel up and down my body

Fixate on my bosom

They explicitly

Shamelessly

Whistle

Salivate

Pass lurid, crass comments

Make obscene gestures

Derive sadistic pleasure

From this pathetic act

Conveniently termed

Eve-teasing

 

If anything needs to be changed, it’s our MINDSET not our CLOTHES !

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Cloud Nine

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There’s a bounce in my step

A silly grin plastered on my face

I’m jumping in delight

All over the place

I’m on cloud nine

In a euphoric state

Let me bask in happiness

Before this feeling abates

 

The enormity of the achievement

Hasn’t sunk in yet

And for others it may not be a big deal

But to me, it feels surreal

Incredible

Not even in my wildest dreams

Did I think this feat was accomplishable

 

The proud twinkle in my parent’s eyes

Is the biggest reward

All the hard work paid off

I performed to the best of my abilities

Proved everyone wrong

Who doubted my capabilities

 

The end of school life

Couldn’t have been more perfect

 

The result came out yesterday. I scored 92.2 percent ! My family and friends are ecstatic and I’m on CLOUD NINE !  I passed with flying colours ! :D

Daydreams

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I wonder

What it feels like

To have an unblemished,

Porcelain complexion

A bedazzling smile

Legs that go on for a mile

Supple hands, soft to the touch

To be the epitome of sensuality

And ethereality

 

I wonder

What it feels like

To be comfortable in your own skin

To not inwardly cringe

At the sight of your unshapely body

To not see your flaws

Through a magnifying glass

To have that envious figure

A perfect hourglass

To feel the fabric slide effortlessly

Over a concave midriff

Clinging in all the right places

And look endlessly

Exquisite

 

I drift off to daydream

Losing myself in the world

Of whims and fantasies

To temporarily forget about

My idiosyncrasies

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Pulling You Down

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My incessant grieving

My morose whining

Has started to rub off on you

You tried

To pull me out

Form the pit of desolation

I’ve sunk into

Instead

I pulled you down with myself

Not comprehending

That you’ve tears of your own, unshed

Feelings of your own, unsaid

Horrors of the past, and

Struggles of the present

To cope with

Mistakes, and

Squandered opportunities

To lament over

Aggravation inside

For being termed a pushover

And I, of all people, know

How much you’d like to take over

The reins

And slow down

The pace of your tumultuous life

 

You’re my mood lifter

My self-esteem booster

My crisis solver

My conflict resolver

My personal comedian

My confidante

My agony aunt

 

But have I been there for you too?

Have I done you justice?

Or was I too selfish to notice

That you’ve been slipping away

That something was amiss

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Transatlantic Love

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What I’ve learnt from you, my love

Is that

Long distance relationships

Will always get the best of you

Not entirely untrue

Looking at us two

 

Please

Don’t turn the tables on me

You’re the one

Doubting my loyalty

Oozing insecurity

Wounding me with your burning jealousy

Taking suspicions to unrealistic extremes

Our transatlantic love‘s

Falling apart at the seams

 

When did trust become an issue?

Just because I refuse

To tell the whole darn world about us

Doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you

 

I can do without your sly accusations

I’d rather leave than cheat

Don’t treat me like a doormat

You know I’m better than that

 

Bless my broken heart

A heart you’ve beaten black and blue

I will not give up on us

Simply because

. . . I love you 

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To Sanah (Written By Ricardo)


Sanah:

A year ago this absolutely wonderful poet called Ricardo J Rodriguez wrote a poem for me.

Till date I haven’t quite got over it.

I never thought anybody would read my poems let alone be inspired by them.

There are not enough words to express my gratitude. God bless you Ricardo and may your dreams come true. :)

Originally posted on Through the Mind and in the Wind:

I’ve read too much,

And you have stirred my soul as such:

To you I write this poem,

For you write with more than wisdom,

I saw frankness and confidence,

As to drop me to silence,

The way it flows,

Makes me shiver in my clothes,

Making the expected rhymes and rhythm,

Yet  written by you made it atypical just as this sentence is full of freedom,

Stanzas,

Syntax,

Whether intentional or accidental,

What you make is sentimental,

The wounds you made to me “won’t heal in time”,*

They nor hurt but rather rhyme,

Made me connect new things,

In my feelings,

I hope you too know it too,

That what you write is precious just like you,

So as you bottle your sentiments in jars, (Or howerver you do so)

Just to let you know I’ll be watching from afar. (As in I will avidly await your poems:)

~Ricardo…

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Friends for (N)ever

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You’ve sucked

Every drop of empathy left in me

With your ingratitude

You deceived me with your lies

Took me for a ride

Not once, twice or thrice

But countless times

And I like a gullible fool

Let my anger subside

Forgave you each time

Believed your hollow apologies

Didn’t I deserve to know the truth?

How could you trample upon my trust

With such ease?

 

The final straw came

When you chose a guy

You hardly knew for months

Over me, a friend of 4 years

For the second time in a row

Never knew you were so self-centered

So shallow

 

You always underappreciated me

Took me for granted

Since in your heart you knew

I’d be there for you

Whenever you wanted

I sacrificed my sleep

To listen to your endless rants

About your failed romance

I fought with my parents

To come and see you

Alone, I travelled so far

Should’ve realized

You aren’t worth the effort

A thankless wretch

Is who you truly are

 

You were my utmost priority

I loved you like a sister

Treated you like family

But I’ve had enough of you

I won’t let you manipulate me

Won’t take you back

Even if you implore

No, nothing’s like before

My heart’s so sore

No, I don’t need you anymore

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Still the Same

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I left, thinking

In my absence you will

Overcome the depression spells

Turn your life around

Pick yourself up off the ground

I thought wrong

You haven’t changed a bit

You’ve been drunk on me

All along

 

I left, exasperated

You refused

To come out of your shell

To step beyond

The confines of your bubble

To share your troubles

To reach out for help

When things spiralled out of control

When you began to stumble

You wanted to fight your battles alone

So, I powerlessly watched you crumble

 

I still am

A poison of your choice

A filthy habit you can’t leave

Someone you blindly believe

It’s time you stop being so naive

 

Remember,

You pushed me away

When you lost your way

You thought

Your problems

Would weigh me down

That I’d leave you in the lurch

You thought wrong

I wanted to nurse your bruises

All along

But now we don’t belong

 

You’re still the same

Too dependent

Yet emotionally detached

It’s nobody’s fault

We’re just mismatched

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One Sided Love

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It’s like a stab to my heart

It kills me

To see my soul sister

Grow weaker

Lose hope, her happy spirit

With every passing minute

As she holds onto someone

Who doesn’t want to be held onto

As she runs after a mirage

Prays for the impossible

Makes herself susceptible

To diverse array of emotional pain

Struggles to prove her love to win him back

As he pushes her aside over and over again

 

She knows she should break free

Rise above rejection and move on

But no matter what I say

Or how hard she tries

She can’t convince her heart otherwise

 

My soul sister

Earlier, a free spirit

Now, a hapless victim of one sided love

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Time Zones away

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When your satellite number

Flashes on my phone

Even at ungodly hours

It floods me with tremendous joy

A few minutes of whispering sweet nothings

Just the sound of your voice

Is all I need

To brighten my weekends

To blow my blues away

A perfect start to a Sunday

 

Today

As I answered the phone

With heavy lids and a soaring heart

Your husky, sleepy voice greeted tiredly

It is then that realisation

Dawned on me

Never before have I felt so guilty

And so I remorsefully concede

I’m consumed by greed

For your affection

Dear, you’re all I need

 

Your balancing act

Juggling work and life

Is starting to wear you out

But all I ask for is a little of your time

 

Am I asking for too much, love?

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Thoughts of You

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Every now and then

Thoughts invade my mind

Of you

Of us

Of the past left behind

 

So I sit back and reflect on

Your gratuitous,

Incessant self sacrifice

Your well-meaning yet meddlesome,

Unsolicited advice

Your excessive obsession with me

Was your worst vice

Disguised under the misnomer of love

How I had to leave

When you gave me no room to breathe

When push came to shove

 

It saddens me to remember

The way I left

The things I said which left you bereft

Of sleep, love and happiness

And so I apologize

For the countless

Moments, you felt you weren’t good enough

Not being there, when times were rough

But don’t wait for me

It’s time you let me go

It’s time you stopped living each day in sorrow

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